Salam people.

At least I am in the class now, searching over and over about my TOK subject. "Does emotions bring you the knowledge?" Well, in every aspect, I presumed, it is a definite yes. Lets forget about what TOK is for a minute.

Blending myself again into the study mode and overall, the starting atmosphere seems to be okay - just okay. Looking forward to a new excitement. Somehow, day by day, I feel the irrelevant world I am in. The people becoming more boring and yeah, typical things happen. It's a routine, when you can out of your bed, you put pit your ass on the chair, listen, discover. Then you get back, you study again. And I bet, you don't want to read any litany of my complains.

I talk a lot, I know, I don't care. I can be really quiet in some circle of social. In any tolerance, seriously (mind if I use a bit of bad words here?) I don't give a shit of any some of the casual conversation. As a matter of fact, I am not being rude or what you are labelling a person as a ignorant or worse. However, I get bored too easily, and distracted with just one pinch of stories. Get that? Okay, irrelevant much. Forget it.

Okay, the bad side of me is revealing. I do realize in that. Why should I be hypocrite in front of them. I am in the process of learning. I am giving out my opinions, I get truly get bored and seriously pissed off, when, the teachers (especially TOK, and English) asked a rhetorical question. They have the chance to speak out, to stand on their own point, but in a way, they just keep it silent. And I am becoming one of them. And that was what happened during the TOK class yesterday. I had my point, but, sheesh, the class awkwardness just brings me the "AM I SAYING THE RIGHT THINGS" Because, in TOK, there is NO right or wrong. You decide why, and you tell how.

Whatever. I was dumbfounded.

One more issue to come out soon. I love USRAH. That is my track :)

Aku rasa nak bermonolog kali ini kepada diri sendiri. Aku tahu, bunyi macam seorang bimbo kekecewaan walaupun aku memang jauh sekali rupa bimbo. Tapi, aku tak kisah. Sebab semua orang punya spot lembut (soft-spot) mereka. Dah lama rasanya, tak tulis dari hati yang penuh tanda tanya, kemusykilan. Bukan itu motif utama. Namun saat aku benar-benar perlukan tempat untuk menulis dahulunya, aku tulis di atas sehelai kertas dan meluahkan segala-galanya. Lepas itu, aku buangkannya dengan harapan aku rasa lega kerana segalanya sudah aku lemparkan keluar.

Aku rasa kehadiran perasaan itu kembali lagi. Rasa nak mencarut, tapi, macam entah apa-apa pula. Rasa macam nak salahkan orang lain, tak ada kaitan. Salah kan diri sendiri sebab terjatuh hati? Tak boleh juga. Sebab fitrah manusia untuk tersuka, terindu, tersayang, tercinta ataupun terbenci? Sesungguhnya, ALLAH juga yang memegang hati-hati ini. Biarlah, orang hendak kata apa. Aku penat memikirkan kata orang yang hanya akan menyekat pemikiran terbaik aku. Penat fikirkan tentang orang yang entah betul atau tidak fakta yang telah diberi.

Hati aku, aku yang rasa. Aku tahu, aku tak patut biarkan hati ini terus dilayar dalam persona alam romantis ini. Aku tahu secukupnya. Sekali telah mengajar aku. Aku sendiri telah berjanji untuk tidak terjebak dengan alam fantasi ini. Hati ini telah aku doa supaya diikat kuat kerana perasaan itu hanya aku salurkan kepada Yang Maha Esa. Aku tahu aku tidaklah segigih Zulaikha ketika dia perlu menolak kembali cinta Yusuf. Atau aku tidaklah sekuat Siti Aishah menahan cemburu kepada Siti Khadijah. Dan aku tidaklah setabah Siti Fatimah mengharungi setiap pengorbanan demi Islam. Aku tak boleh jadi seperti mereka sepenuhnya, kerana naluri aku dalam putaran moden ini menahan fitrah dalaman aku untuk perlaku begitu. Duniawi kah aku?

Aku bukan memasang teater lakonan boneka di sini dan mungkin ramai di sana perkata yang sama. Bukan. Aku cuba pertahankan perasaan yang begitu kuatnya memberontak. Aku cuba. Dan aku masih mencuba. Kerana, aku tahu, Allah telah menyediakan sesuatu yang terbaik untuk aku. Kadang-kadang, aku ingin juga rasa seperti teman-teman aku yang lain. Tapi, ish tak mungkin lah, sebab aku tahu, jalan aku masih jauh.

Terima kasih teknologi aku ucapkan, kerana satu mesej dalam peti dalaman (inbox) yang mengingatkan aku tentang semua ini.

"Ingatlah bahawa, jika kamu tidak mempunyai teman lelaki atau telah ditinggalkan oleh seorang lelaki, maka hendaklah kamu bersyukur kerana Allah telah merampas kembali kasihNYA untuk kamu. Allah mahu menjaga kamu kerana Allah sayang akan kamu. Ingatlah juga, Allah rindukan rintihan kamu dan adu mu pada NYA. Allah ingin melindungi kamu sebelum kamu berjumpa dengan pasangan yang sebetulnya."

Maka, bersyukur la aku, tatkala aku membaca mesej ini. Mungkin aku terpilih untuk menjadi sesuatu dibawah lindunganNYA. Aku bersyukur sebab, Iza pun sama. Tapi, aku rasa terlambat sebab sahabat aku tapi ah, tak perlu lah aku bicara soal itu.

Mungkin ini hanya soal hati yang seringkali menjadi bahan utama syaitan untuk menghasut. Aku tau sebetulnya, isi hati dengan makanannya. Tapi, aku lemah, wanita yang masih perlukan bimbingan. Aku cari, aku jumpa, aku cuba, tapi aku lupa.

Aku masih pandang dia dari jauh. Walaupun kadang-kadang, dia dekat. Aku intip (stalk) dia, dan aku tau itu bodoh. Hmph, aku runsing. Benda remeh temeh dan bengong ini pun aku jadi tak tenang. Okay, aku akan cuba lupakan dia, walaupun aku tau benda itu cukup susah. Mana la tak nya, aku berada sekitar situ juga. Aku penat la. Aku tak nak, tapi, jadi juga. Letih tahu?

Aku tahu, bunyinya, sentimental juga paranoid. Aku cuba jadi absurd supaya kelihatan lebih main-main tapi, tak boleh, ini perkara serius melibatkan perasaan. Untuk aku, serius la, tapi, untuk kau semua, mungkin tak. Dah la, aku bunyi terlalu jiwang sekarang. Aku tak peduli. Yang aku tahu, dia telah mencuri pandangan aku.

And, it is unforgettable when you whisper to me, my name? Oh, I was sleepy then. Nonetheless, I will try to take care of this heart, because it happened as I promised to Allah.

The heart is belongs to ALLAH S.W.T.

"Ya Allah, jika aku jatuh cinta kepada kekasihMu, maka janganlah engkau biarkan cinta aku melebihi cinta haqiqi ke jalanMu, aku pohon, Ya Allah"

Aku telah terjatuh hati. Maaf.

The gatherings turn to be super FUN. Went to Iza's then head to the third lorong to be Fuz's. How fast the time is. Damansara Heights used to be my playground before, where I met them. I remember when I have a tuition at Puan Kalimuthu's house. It is still ponder in my mind when I have to stay back in school on Friday just to wait for Puan Kalimuthu and we had tuition then. I remember, when I broke her mother's flower pots. When we made the dog next door barked like damn loud. We 6 persons sat on her swings and nearly be destroyed. When the Rumah Merah practiced for the cheer at her place. Oh, when we wet her toilet. Oh, so many things to remember.

I miss Puan Kalimuthu. I miss Puan Selvi. I miss Puan Ashota. I miss Miss Ting. I always sat beside them when I did not know about the topic. Especially Puan Ashota, my English tuition teacher. I was quite talkative then, and I spoke broken English and she laughed at me. I miss her. I miss how they really taught me about something.

It was back then. The thought that was wandering inside my head when Ibu drove me to Damansara. SKBD.

So, I met Iza. Grrrr, rumah dia besar nak gaban. I know that her house is being renovated, but oh lala, it is a BIG TRANSFORMATION. I was dumbstrucked at first because I thought I dropped to a wrong house. Sheesh. So, there. I hugged her and we were shouting here and there. And spill everything, everything. I meant EVERYTHING. I missssssss her.

Then, met her mother. HAHA, her mum as usual gila sporting. And we headed to Fuz's. I hugged Fuz, she is kinda chubby :) and there was Megan, the OHIO babe. OH MY. How can I miss them for all these years? 2 or 3 years? I am not sure. Then, Kreno, Oya, Filzah, Fatin came alonggg. Then finally Annura. Oh, what a life I have! I am no longer in KMB. And there was me again with the them. Like you feel you don;t have any problems because you are facing just the same. And you are not feeling alone, but the fact that you are the only one who is taking IB and somehow, the explanation is needed. "IB? Apa tu?" Luckily, Iza is there to help me. Ann and Oya have done with the Monash Foundation and will be flying Aussie February next year weh! Then, Iza has about 6 months here before she exports herself to London. Jealousssss gila aku doh. Megan will fly back to Ohio with her ADP. Babboon ah.

While me, stuck with the IB World stuff for about one and half year. Okay takpe, I've plan something with Iza. I want to go to UK with her. Yes, we are going to UK. No matter what. And every break, I'll be staying with her in London and we go shopping together. In LONDON. Aaaaaa. That is us. Iza and me. Macam belangkas tapi still alive though we've been really far away apart.

The first time I know Iza was when I was her classmate. We were close. REAAALLY CLOSE. She even bought a tudung just to wear it with me. I love her. Then, since then she is my friend. Until now. It's a loooong story. Together with Fifa and Fatin.

We took pictures. But, sadly, can't display it now, because it is with Filzah. And the others. Then, Ibu met with mak Iza, haha. The best things was when mak Iza said this :

"Saya tak kisah langsung kalau si Iza ni nak keluar dgn Adiba ni haaa, boleh tarik dia sekali pergi sembahyang!"

HAHAHHA, We were laughing out loud weh. And her mum was actually call Iza and with Marissa and others as GEDIK. That was ROTFL. Ibu was just too curious to believe me. See? Iza's mum is not just the only one. Sherry's mum and even mak Ony pun percaya kat aku. This is what mak Sherry said:

Mak Sherry : Kau nak keluar dgn sape ni ha? Sherry : Alaaa, dgn Diba la mak. Mak Sherry : Diba kawan kau kat MRSM tu ke? Haaa, kalau dia mak tak kisah. Kau nak pergi mana-mana ajak la dia. Sherry : Huh? (Dalam hati) Oi, amboi, mak aku lagi percaya Di dari aku ni pahal?


HAHAAHA, this is based on true story. I miss Sherry. We just met for few minutes to get my muffin from her. Yummy. We are going out. Sooner. I miss them. I love life, currently.



Oh, bunyi gitar.... :)


Deeb.

p/s : I miss BALL.

I don't much care about how alive or busy my news feed is. There goes my holidays. It is like you slept for just a second and you wake up to see you overslept for two hours. Grrr. So much to catch up, in so little time. I don't even care how screwed up my semester 1 exam results. See, how cool is it? Adibah who used to be over-worried about the whole bunch of her grades ignores this? That's what I am trying to set the mind back. Back to where I was belong.

Nope, I am not saying as if I ignore perfectly about my performance. However, I am trying to get things with my flow. I don't want to care what did Minah, or Mamat get for their whatever subjects. Why bother to care? That was me before. I've been too judgmental. And now, you get your own way, I'll go mine, but please remind each other about what we need and what we need not.

That was what Iza taught me too. I thought I was the only one who feels the same. She is too. Well, Iza is busy dating with her A-level Finance course. Surprisingly, she confessed how damn the life is in Taylors, they actually compete for a fashion daily routine. Grrrr. I know Iza will be the best in any outfits. Ah, she is beautiful, just like me.

I miss Iza a lot. Not just her. The Hartamas mode is suddenly ponder inside my head. Maybe, the mixture of KMB culture from daily and boarding school stabbed me somewhere in heart to revisiting memories. I was a daily student too. I love Beseri as much as others do. Nonetheless, SKBD and SMKSH played big role in my life.

I know some of you might not get me. Why bother much? I'm tired of explaining matters like this to people when I feel like they are not in my cliques. I know, it sounds like a baboon. Couldn't care less.

I just spend 100 bucks for sports pants, and socks. -.-! Naaaah, tomorrow is going to be a good and bright and happy day for me, I hope. I will be meeting the Hartamas peeps at Farzana's place. We are going to have a potluck and small gatherings. Iza, Filzah, Farzana, Ann, Fatin, Oya, Kreno, etc etc oh MEGAAAN, hoping they will be there. Sometimes, I think life is pretty fair for everybody. You get some from here, and you will be getting some over there. That's life from my speculation. Just ignore the justification from the assumption of mine. It would be hard for you to get the HOW answer.

I know, it's Maal Hijrah. I have some resolution to make. I've been trying to, like falling in love? Yeah, I am trying. I think to this extent, it's a well done job. But there is some who catches my eyes. Bodoh la. Why he has to be there huh? Ish ish ish.

Takpe, I will try my best to avoid this so call game, or lamely, Lovey dovey situation. Geee, nope, I do not want to repeat it again.

Tomorrow :)

Deeb.